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squeezemyhernia

Best Joke ?

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1 hour ago, Kazza61 said:

 

I think you missed the joke - see word in bold above...

Not really. You should look up the definition of impression.

For instance, in this case if he said "I'll be back" in Glasgow accent that would be a terrible Arnold impression. Saying "I'll return" is just dumb, meaningless and not really an impression of anything.

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4 minutes ago, neverminder said:

Not really. You should look up the definition of impression.

For instance, in this case if he said "I'll be back" in Glasgow accent that would be a terrible Arnold impression. Saying "I'll return" is just dumb, meaningless and not really an impression of anything.

I bet you’re a right laugh to go for a pint with.

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2 hours ago, Kazza61 said:

I bet you’re a right laugh to go for a pint with.

Guy comes into a store to buy condoms. Store clerk asks "Do you want a bag with that?". Guy answers "No thanks, she's not that ugly".

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy is 14 to come on his face.

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4 hours ago, neverminder said:

That was a classic joke and you still managed to ruin it. "I'll return", really?

ill-be-back.jpg

Two words for you to look up:

1. Irony

2. You’re a bellend 

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1 hour ago, js77 said:

Two words for you to look up:

1. Irony

2. You’re a bellend 

What's the matter, princess, are you feeling left out? Here are some specially for you:

If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his ѕhit packed.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.

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25 minutes ago, neverminder said:

What's the matter, princess, are you feeling left out? Here are some specially for you:

If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his ѕhit packed.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.

I'm getting subliminal messages that there's a raging homosexual inside you trying to break out. 

 

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1 minute ago, Test-e said:

I'm getting subliminal messages that there's a raging homosexual inside you trying to break out. 

 

Am I the one posting gay ѕhit all the time on this forum? He is, hence the collection, right on the fuсking point.

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8 hours ago, neverminder said:

What's the matter, princess, are you feeling left out? Here are some specially for you:

If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his ѕhit packed.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.

There you go!!!! Well done .

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Guys, any more of this arguing and I'll take you both outside and bang your cocks together.

 

Anyway, where were we....

 

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass :D

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This rather large woman walked up to me at the buffet, as I browsed the treats. "Mind if I take one of those doughnuts just there?" she asked me. "Help yourself," I replied. "Thanks," she smiled. "No," I added, "I mean help yourself...and don't have any more fu**ing doughnuts."

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1 hour ago, BUFFMAN said:

I entered Mr Universe in 1992... I didn't enjoy the experience very much but we still keep in touch!

Are you trying to put everyone to sleep?

Guy comes back home, finds his girlfriend upset, packing, getting ready to leave.
So he asks "What's going on?"
She replies "You know, today I found out you're a paedophile!"
The guy says "Whoa, whoa, that's a big word for an 8 year old!"

Guy comes back home drunk, carrying a duck. Enters the bedroom where his wife is sleeping and says "Look, here's the pig I've been fuсking"
The wife says "Bug honey, that's a duck!"
The guy replies "I wasn't talking to you!"

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Our dog went missing yesterday, the missus told me to go and find him. I looked every where, in the park, down by the river, out on the common, nothing.

So I went home and told the wife, she went ballistic and told me I should look harder. So I went out, had my head shaved and got a tattoo, but I still can't find that fu**ing dog.

 

*I'll get me coat*

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On 18/09/2020 at 8:39 PM, Sasnak said:

Personally I don’t do jokes. They are not funny well over 90% of the time. There’s nothing worse than half a dozen pissed up blokes trying to tell jokes in the pub and pretending to laugh at the last joke when all they want to do is butt in and tell the next s**t joke. 

In fact I don’t get comedy full stop. To me Peter Kay is just a fat c**t from Bolton. Jasper Carrot is a whinging c**t from Birmingham. Chubby Brown is a bloke from Middlesbrough who only says f**k or clitoris.

They say that Germans don’t do comedy. I’d guess that I’m either German at heart or a miserable bastard.

Tbf you’ve named some of the worst comedians ever so I fully understand your disdain when it comes to comedy my dear Mr Sasnak.

The Germans have never supposed to have been funny although there were some amusing aspects surrounding the Holocaust....other than that...nothing.

Watch some Bill Burr and get back to us. I guarantee your thoughts on comedy will change forever and ever. Amen.

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5 minutes ago, js77 said:

Watch some Bill Burr and get back to us

Okay, I’ll have a look. I do like dark comedy and satire, mainly political satire. It’s just “jokes” that I don’t find remotely entertaining 

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