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Test-e

Verbally abusive relationship

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Definitely not the best platform for this but out of sheer embarrassment at having to approach my friends with this issue, thought I'd try putting it here. 

So I have been married for nearly 2 years, not long at all, before that we were close friends. 

She often has outbursts at me over trivial things, then brings up things in the past as a means of justifying her actions, or she got annoyed because I was nagging her etc.

Anyway if we have a  disagreement she'll quite quickly begin insulting me  and degrading members in my family.

Usually starts along the lines of 'You're disgusting' and then escalates into a near total attempt at a character assassination.

After the incident I am always the first to try to reconcile with her, apologise and try to move forward.

Lost it last night, had heart palpitations because couldn't take what she was saying anymore; this morning she sneered it was because I take steroids ( probably some truth in it, but besides the point). Anywaywas sat in the living room screaming at her telling her to stop. Sounds dramatic but this has built up over 2 years. She left the house and said she thought I was going to hurt her - something I'd never do.

Sorry about the ramblings, just wondering if any of you have had verbally abusive spouses and what you've done about it. If not, any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

 

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Been in a similar situation with a girl that would do things like sleep with other men and instead of apologising she would turn it around and become angry at me, bringing up everything I’ve ever done wrong to her in the past to try to justify it, as well as just resorting to calling me a c**t and stuff 

they never change 

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3 minutes ago, Test-e said:

Definitely not the best platform for this but out of sheer embarrassment at having to approach my friends with this issue, thought I'd try putting it here. 

So I have been married for nearly 2 years, not long at all, before that we were close friends. 

She often has outbursts at me over trivial things, then brings up things in the past as a means of justifying her actions, or she got annoyed because I was nagging her etc.

Anyway if we have a  disagreement she'll quite quickly begin insulting me  and degrading members in my family.

Usually starts along the lines of 'You're disgusting' and then escalates into a near total attempt at a character assassination.

After the incident I am always the first to try to reconcile with her, apologise and try to move forward.

Anyway, lost it last night, had heart palpitations because couldn't take what she was saying anymore. Was sat in the living room screaming at her telling her to stop. Sounds dramatic but this has built up over 2 years. She left the house and said she thought I was going to hurt her - something I'd never do.

Anyway, sorry about the ramblings, just wondering if any of you have had verbally abusive spouses and what you've done about it. If not, any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

 

If she won't openly admit she has a problem and look for help, get shot of. Had an ex who was violent and if I hadn't got rid of her I would have eventually have done her in and guaranteed I would've been the one prosecuted. 

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2 minutes ago, drwae said:

 They never change 

This is absolutely true of them but also of us. My experience of deteriorating relationships is that they never get better no matter how many times you try to sort it. It's hard but the best thing really is to call it a day and go and find new people you can be happy with. You're just wasting your lives at the minute. 

Voice of experience - 5 years with the most beautiful, sexy ex-gymnast. Was also increidibly jealous, violent and destructive. I wanted it to work but in the end it was impossible. Once I moved on from her it was like a weight had been lifted off me. 

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Mate been there done that.  It's a lack of respect and unfortunately it will only get worse, most likely at some point merging into physical abuse.  I'm not going to say get out now, because you won't, and you'll hope to fix it, but come back and read these words in a year or two.

I'm not trying to be a c**t, its just a woman like that, will not change, and you will only deteriorate.  Correct form of advice would be go see a counsellor together, but I already imagine she will refuse because "she is not the one at fault"....

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Not that bad but me and the wife used to get into pretty bad arguments, usually caused by her but insults thrown both ways.  I always was the one to try and smooth things over by apologising.  Her response was always "you should be sorry".  So on one occassion, after an outburst from me and huge argument, rather than apologising i just left things hanging.  I was in the wrong this time but i knew she wouldn't just accept a "sorry", so i did nothing. By the end of the evening, she came to me all upset and said sorry - really weird..  But ever since then, any bust up i've just stuck to doing the same, with the same result every time.  So, just my opinion, i wouldn't apologise to her for anything, even if it was all your fault.  Maybe they see apologising as a weakness, i don't know. But with my wife it's like a yedi mind trick.

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23 minutes ago, jake87 said:

Blokes put up with all this sh1t because the sex is decent. Why else would you stick around 

Divorce is expensive if the woman's vindictive and you have kids? Just ignoring them can work, same as with a dog.

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It sounds like she loves the drama pal?

Also I’d say she finds it diff to admit she’s wrong or be civil after embarrassing herself after being wrong?

Get her to give you a nice blow job and cook you a nice meal.

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Ignoring takes away their power but then they’ll “up the game” until you finally snap as you seem to have done. Visiting a relationship councillor will help. My mate and his wife ended up doing this. Long story short the councillor told her that she was the unreasonable one in most instances and that she was the one who needed to change. She wouldn’t accept any of it and they split.

Not what you wanted to hear I’m sure but at least it’s a good way of deciding what to do so you can both move on either together or apart.

I wish you the best of luck. You come across as a throughly decent chap in here.

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3 hours ago, Test-e said:

Definitely not the best platform for this but out of sheer embarrassment at having to approach my friends with this issue, thought I'd try putting it here. 

So I have been married for nearly 2 years, not long at all, before that we were close friends. 

She often has outbursts at me over trivial things, then brings up things in the past as a means of justifying her actions, or she got annoyed because I was nagging her etc.

Anyway if we have a  disagreement she'll quite quickly begin insulting me  and degrading members in my family.

Usually starts along the lines of 'You're disgusting' and then escalates into a near total attempt at a character assassination.

After the incident I am always the first to try to reconcile with her, apologise and try to move forward.

Lost it last night, had heart palpitations because couldn't take what she was saying anymore; this morning she sneered it was because I take steroids ( probably some truth in it, but besides the point). Anywaywas sat in the living room screaming at her telling her to stop. Sounds dramatic but this has built up over 2 years. She left the house and said she thought I was going to hurt her - something I'd never do.

Sorry about the ramblings, just wondering if any of you have had verbally abusive spouses and what you've done about it. If not, any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

 

Text her right now and tell her not to come back ever.

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@Test-e If you both want to make this relationship work (being married, after all), try to identify the root cause of her outburst. 

There's not much sense in snapping over small stuff, I bet she's got some unresolved issues and any small pin drop will cause her to snap. 

If not, then don't waste anymore time, the main regret I've had over past relationships is that I waited too long before ending things. 

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59 minutes ago, lewdylewd said:

Text her right now and tell her not to come back ever.

This. Absolutely this. 

She's toxic. Get away from her. Now.

I was in a relationship with an amazing woman who was diagnosed as having BPD. Some of this sound similar, where her insecurities and instabilities are projected to the point you start to believe them. It's all a total mind f**k. It's toxic and it won't change. 

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5 hours ago, Test-e said:

Definitely not the best platform for this but out of sheer embarrassment at having to approach my friends with this issue, thought I'd try putting it here. 

So I have been married for nearly 2 years, not long at all, before that we were close friends. 

She often has outbursts at me over trivial things, then brings up things in the past as a means of justifying her actions, or she got annoyed because I was nagging her etc.

Anyway if we have a  disagreement she'll quite quickly begin insulting me  and degrading members in my family.

Usually starts along the lines of 'You're disgusting' and then escalates into a near total attempt at a character assassination.

After the incident I am always the first to try to reconcile with her, apologise and try to move forward.

Lost it last night, had heart palpitations because couldn't take what she was saying anymore; this morning she sneered it was because I take steroids ( probably some truth in it, but besides the point). Anywaywas sat in the living room screaming at her telling her to stop. Sounds dramatic but this has built up over 2 years. She left the house and said she thought I was going to hurt her - something I'd never do.

Sorry about the ramblings, just wondering if any of you have had verbally abusive spouses and what you've done about it. If not, any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

 

See bold. keyword being “always” I’m not trying to be a d*ck here, but I can tell by your response to her behaviours. you’re not well equipped here bud. it’s a shame in this circumstance you married as well as she will likely continue to try and break you down this way. she offloading and has a clear disdain towards you, so she rejecting your leadership in this sense as well because otherwise she wouldn’t do this to you. Ever. you don’t apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong and are continually being baited into engaging a negative reactive response only for her to then become manipulative, play the victim and rationalise or justify any of her wrongdoing, negative actions or behaviours as being YOUR fault, whilst simultaneously tarnishing YOU as being the bad guy in all this emotional trivial nonsense of a rollercoaster. guess what? It’s never her fault, ever. and even if it is, it’s always yours, because it is. no accountability. 
 

if this has been happening a while, it appears she has you locked in a trauma bond and one that she keeps on initiating for whatever underlying motives or reasoning. quiet possibly it sounds like you have a cluster B on your hands, what she’s doing here from what it sounds like is offloading her negative emotionality onto you or simply “devaluing” you. if she’s entitled, appears hypersensitive to any criticism or disagreements I assure you it’s likely Narcissism related. This is common occurrence amongst Narcissist types and Borderlines, in the sake of NPD they can’t withstand any criticism and have to actively ridicule you in order to uplift themselves and gain any sort of self esteem from doing so. watch for any soft acts of sadism does she appear satisfied verbally ridiculing you like this? BPD usually more erratic, unstable and have some sort identity crisis but can at times display similar destructive types of behaviours it just stem from different area. either way, appears highly manipulative so watch the actions and not words.
 

solution for you when she do this to you is to remain assertive and calm, not lose your cool or composure and calmly question and to deliver questions in such a way that engage her subconscious which have her self reflect on negative behaviours whilst you attempt to reason with her acts, question her thirst for any conflict and forget arguing the point with her when emotions are running high as she not being rational or logical in any of moment like this. in that case forget it, don’t take her insults seriously, laugh and mock her back and try again later. If it does persist be ruthless and subtly retract on any of your affections or gestures, and have her see the error of her ways till she come round. she apologise to you and not the other way around in this case. then install some boundaries and reinforce your terms if the sh*t persists. If she cares about you, she will be willing to see the errors of her ways and recognise the negative impact on your marriage it’s having so she will knock it on the head or get help. You don’t abuse the person who you love do you?

 

 

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1 hour ago, Pancake' said:

See bold. keyword being “always” I’m not trying to be a d*ck here, but I can tell by your response to her behaviours. you’re not well equipped here bud. it’s a shame in this circumstance you married as well as she will likely continue to try and break you down this way. she offloading and has a clear disdain towards you, so she rejecting your leadership in this sense as well because otherwise she wouldn’t do this to you. Ever. you don’t apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong and are continually being baited into engaging a negative reactive response only for her to then become manipulative, play the victim and rationalise or justify any of her wrongdoing, negative actions or behaviours as being YOUR fault, whilst simultaneously tarnishing YOU as being the bad guy in all this emotional trivial nonsense of a rollercoaster. guess what? It’s never her fault, ever. and even if it is, it’s always yours, because it is. no accountability. 
 

if this has been happening a while, it appears she has you locked in a trauma bond and one that she keeps on initiating for whatever underlying motives or reasoning. quiet possibly it sounds like you have a cluster B on your hands, what she’s doing here from what it sounds like is offloading her negative emotionality onto you or simply “devaluing” you. if she’s entitled, appears hypersensitive to any criticism or disagreements I assure you it’s likely Narcissism related. This is common occurrence amongst Narcissist types and Borderlines, in the sake of NPD they can’t withstand any criticism and have to actively ridicule you in order to uplift themselves and gain any sort of self esteem from doing so. watch for any soft acts of sadism does she appear satisfied verbally ridiculing you like this? BPD usually more erratic, unstable and have some sort identity crisis but can at times display similar destructive types of behaviours it just stem from different area. either way, appears highly manipulative so watch the actions and not words.
 

solution for you when she do this to you is to remain assertive and calm, not lose your cool or composure and calmly question and to deliver questions in such a way that engage her subconscious which have her self reflect on negative behaviours whilst you attempt to reason with her acts, question her thirst for any conflict and forget arguing the point with her when emotions are running high as she not being rational or logical in any of moment like this. in that case forget it, don’t take her insults seriously, laugh and mock her back and try again later. If it does persist be ruthless and subtly retract on any of your affections or gestures, and have her see the error of her ways till she come round. she apologise to you and not the other way around in this case. then install some boundaries and reinforce your terms if the sh*t persists. If she cares about you, she will be willing to see the errors of her ways and recognise the negative impact on your marriage it’s having so she will knock it on the head or get help. You don’t abuse the person who you love do you?

 

 

Thanks for that very detailed response 

Ideally I don't want to end my marriage, but as you said definitely a pattern with me trying to reconcile things. 

She's almost got a switch in her, overly loving at one point,  but criticize her and she's suddenly full of anger.

She definitely doesn't take any criticism well, and she's hyper-critical of others, and is annoyed very easily. 

 

 

 

& more generally thank you to everyone who has responded so far, taken all the comments to heart

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Get rid of the c**t before you end up having kids and end up more tied in some way to this horrible woman. Normal relationships aren’t like this mate you don’t need to tolerate this s**t there are women out there that will bend over backwards to make you happy don’t waste anymore time putting up with her s**t

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49 minutes ago, Test-e said:

Thanks for that very detailed response 

Ideally I don't want to end my marriage, but as you said definitely a pattern with me trying to reconcile things. 

She's almost got a switch in her, overly loving at one point,  but criticize her and she's suddenly full of anger.

She definitely doesn't take any criticism well, and she's hyper-critical of others, and is annoyed very easily. 

Welcome 

Yes I imagine you just want to resolve matters and probably wonder wtf is going on? 

I recommend you YouTube Sam vaknin, Richard grannon, Todd grande followed by Narcissism or borderline and see if you notice any similar patterns in your dynamic.

will provide a level of understanding and more of an insight than anyone here could as one is a narcissist, the other two being psychologists. 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Seppuku71 said:

Divorce is expensive if the woman's vindictive and you have kids? Just ignoring them can work, same as with a dog.

None of that.

She takes it up the tradesmans. End of

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Speaking from experience from work. All these domestic violence relationships start off this way. Starts off verbal slowly builds up to mental games. Making you think you are in the wrong. Especially being a guy it’s harder to talk about things because you feel ashamed. But you need to talk to someone about this and put an end to it all. This could easily escalate to something more sinister. Loads of guys just get on with it and put up with it as they feel ashamed and less of a man. It doesn’t make you that. 
 

get out there now. While you can. Because word of advice. Courts are very very soft on women when they have been guilty of DV whereas man get the book flung at them. 

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I echo what @Henda83 and @Jordan08 said.

You wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a friend or work colleague would you? So why treat a partner any different. 

My quality of life has increased 10fold since I've taken a no-nonsense approach, don't be scared to be harsh, cut out all the negative people from your life. 

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