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EpicSquats

My true experience with suicidal feelings and depression

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So I went through a stage of suicidal feelings and depression 10 years ago. It was pretty serious. I gave serious thought to hanging myself. It's easy to do. Well, it would be if I really wanted to do it. I'm not joking when I say I put a belt round my neck and started hanging myself from a door in my house. I started feeling it and couldn't go through with it. It was at that point that I thought, well if I can't go through with it because it isn't in my nature, I'll have to face the fact that I must live until i die of natural causes. So here I am over 10 years later. I do have times when I'm very down, but I also have some small plans for the future.

For depressive people, you can get thoughts which make it seem like there's no way out, everything's bad etc. you just have to try to block those thoughts out and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And something else that comforts me: at least I'm trying. Yes, I'm scared of failure, of not having the life I want, of getting very depressed again, but all I can do is try, and what's more I don't want to kill myself and leave my loved ones behind to deal with the death of their brother, cousin, friend, etc. It's selfish. If I killed myself it would be selfish, because I would be leaving life purely because it's easier than trying. I'm in work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but the alternative is worse. Sitting at home using up money fvcking my life up. Better to stay active, especially when you're the depressive type.  Thanks for reading, I hope anyone with depression or suicidal feelings can relate and maybe feels a bit better. I hope.

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30 minutes ago, EpicSquats said:

So I went through a stage of suicidal feelings and depression 10 years ago. It was pretty serious. I gave serious thought to hanging myself. It's easy to do. Well, it would be if I really wanted to do it. I'm not joking when I say I put a belt round my neck and started hanging myself from a door in my house. I started feeling it and couldn't go through with it. It was at that point that I thought, well if I can't go through with it because it isn't in my nature, I'll have to face the fact that I must live until i die of natural causes. So here I am over 10 years later. I do have times when I'm very down, but I also have some small plans for the future.

For depressive people, you can get thoughts which make it seem like there's no way out, everything's bad etc. you just have to try to block those thoughts out and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And something else that comforts me: at least I'm trying. Yes, I'm scared of failure, of not having the life I want, of getting very depressed again, but all I can do is try, and what's more I don't want to kill myself and leave my loved ones behind to deal with the death of their brother, cousin, friend, etc. It's selfish. If I killed myself it would be selfish, because I would be leaving life purely because it's easier than trying. I'm in work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but the alternative is worse. Sitting at home using up money fvcking my life up. Better to stay active, especially when you're the depressive type.  Thanks for reading, I hope anyone with depression or suicidal feelings can relate and maybe feels a bit better. I hope.

Putting one foot in front of the other is defo easier said than done when u get no support! 

I hope ur in a better place 

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Feel for you mate. My mum and sister have both spent time in hospital. My sister has recently been in against her will (sectioned)

I honestly don’t know if I suffer from depression or not. I’d guess probably not but who knows as I’ve felt pretty low at times. Not drinking alcohol and exercise keeps me sane. Experts say that keeping fit is at least as good as any med available so that’s always a good place to start for anyone 

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1 hour ago, EpicSquats said:

So I went through a stage of suicidal feelings and depression 10 years ago. It was pretty serious. I gave serious thought to hanging myself. It's easy to do. Well, it would be if I really wanted to do it. I'm not joking when I say I put a belt round my neck and started hanging myself from a door in my house. I started feeling it and couldn't go through with it. It was at that point that I thought, well if I can't go through with it because it isn't in my nature, I'll have to face the fact that I must live until i die of natural causes. So here I am over 10 years later. I do have times when I'm very down, but I also have some small plans for the future.

For depressive people, you can get thoughts which make it seem like there's no way out, everything's bad etc. you just have to try to block those thoughts out and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And something else that comforts me: at least I'm trying. Yes, I'm scared of failure, of not having the life I want, of getting very depressed again, but all I can do is try, and what's more I don't want to kill myself and leave my loved ones behind to deal with the death of their brother, cousin, friend, etc. It's selfish. If I killed myself it would be selfish, because I would be leaving life purely because it's easier than trying. I'm in work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but the alternative is worse. Sitting at home using up money fvcking my life up. Better to stay active, especially when you're the depressive type.  Thanks for reading, I hope anyone with depression or suicidal feelings can relate and maybe feels a bit better. I hope.

I think it’s awesome to have shared this with other’s.

couldnt have been easy.

had My ups and down’s. 

But always better to share with genuine folk’s than to keep it to yourself.

i don’t think we have spoke before, or maybe briefly.

euther way, your welcome to to p.m anytime and chat. 

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Feel like that occasionally. We’re pregnant with our second due in October and sometimes I can’t see how we’re going to cope. We’ve had one for 9 years and finally had that routine sorted, this is going to throw many spanners in the works.

Driving home I have wondered whether driving into a tree would be a way out. But then I think about everything I have and live for, and then I put one foot in front like you’ve said and snap out of it.

Have the usual man issue of suffering in silence.

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On 30/07/2018 at 12:30 AM, DappaDonDave said:

Feel like that occasionally. We’re pregnant with our second due in October and sometimes I can’t see how we’re going to cope. We’ve had one for 9 years and finally had that routine sorted, this is going to throw many spanners in the works.

Driving home I have wondered whether driving into a tree would be a way out. But then I think about everything I have and live for, and then I put one foot in front like you’ve said and snap out of it.

Have the usual man issue of suffering in silence.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! 

No one should suffer in silence, I suffer myself and have the joy of 5 children too. It’s not easy but their what keep me going! 

It helps if u have someone supportive u can talk too.

 

 

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2 hours ago, DappaDonDave said:

Feel like that occasionally. We’re pregnant with our second due in October and sometimes I can’t see how we’re going to cope. We’ve had one for 9 years and finally had that routine sorted, this is going to throw many spanners in the works.

Driving home I have wondered whether driving into a tree would be a way out. But then I think about everything I have and live for, and then I put one foot in front like you’ve said and snap out of it.

Have the usual man issue of suffering in silence.

Having a new baby can be scary 

but time passes and they grow up so fast 

I remember thinking the same when I was having my second . 

Babies don’t ask for much , just food and comfort. We tend to overcomplicate everything 

Millions of baby things to buy , planning your day to detail etc when none of it is necessary 

Congratulations by the way . You’ll love him/her instantly and it will all be worth it

x

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We’ve all had our dark times @EpicSquats 

sorry to hear you had to go through this 

there’s always light at the end of the tunnel 

having your health is all that matters. Anything else can be solved 

Communicating and asking for help is extremely helpful. No shame in sharing your feelings. You’ll find instant relief and surprise yourself in seeing you’re not the only one who may be suffering 

I choose to get mad instead of sad 

mad at myself and my failures and try to work on both 

God I’ve taken those tabs for the cold and they make me fuzzy and incoherent 

hope I’m making sense :) 

x

 

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5 hours ago, Kayleigh8 said:

Congratulations on the pregnancy! 

No one should suffer in silence, I suffer myself and have the joy of 5 children too. It’s not easy but their what keep me going! 

It helps if u have someone supportive u can talk too. “Not that I have” lol 

 

 

What? I never knew Jaxx and Rocco have brothers and sisters? What are their names?

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3 hours ago, lewdylewd said:

What? I never knew Jaxx and Rocco have brothers and sisters? What are their names?

Charlie Tyler and tia only have the one girl. How did u know it was Jaxon and Rocco lol

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I completely understand those feelings,I made a suicide attempt several years back at beachy head. Like you I had those feelings for years but unlike you back then I truly had no one who would have given a f**k if I had jumped. My mum and dad had put me in a carehome after I got mentally ill when i was in my late teens  and f**ked off to live in france! After the whole machete incident and I was on the run from the police ,I thought if I gave myself up I was going to prison. I didn't feel I was being selfish to end my life,because no one gave a f**k. Then I went to beachy head and those police officers saved my life because they made me feel guilty , one evens said 'please don't do this to us'. it took them several hours to persuade me not to , and I have never done anything as bad as that again and I didn't go to prison as the CPS basically agreed I had gone stark raving bonkers at the time , and   I was put in hospital for several months under the mental health act and I have been closely watched ever since. 

Since then despite having no parents basically ,  I now feel cared for ,but by an amazing psychiatric nurse and psychologist and several other members of staff that are like surrogate mums and dads.  and like you it's guilt and feeling selfish  that stops me. As those people at least believe in me and are working hard to help me change my life, as I have a severe mental illness ,so it's not simple. I kind of think,thats how I repay them is it? But like you I still wrestle with suicidal thoughts each day. My heart is still beating like yours is, and like the staff tell me, often you epic squats  are very brave and courageous. 

 

You are right, keep active, eat well, get plenty of sleep, and in my personal view stay off the booze. I personally don't feel I get more negative from using gear. The opposite in fact,it slightly helps, 

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Sorry to hear what you guys have been through. Depression is a bitch. If you have some spare change there are 2 books I'd recommend that really helped me.

1  Don't sweat the small stuff- Richard Carlson

2 Unf**k yourself - DCA (kindleebook only)

It's not easy at times but working on mindset stuff has made a huge difference to me.

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@EpicSquats fantastic sharing post, I originally thought why is he sharing this on a forum, then after reading, It dawned on me for many of us sharing stuff with complete strangers does provide a release and a support. I have been lucky to personally not to have suffered from this type depressive state.  my first wife however suffered with manic depression ( bi polar they call it now) we were together from kids,, she attempted suicide on more than one occasion, and she would switch from personality in a blink of an eye.   Having our child was the end of it it sent her into a complete mess she never wanted children, got pregnant following a drunken  night out where we both stupid. I loved my son from that day, she had to learn to love him, it killed us, she ended up with a drug habit which I would have funded and been able to live with but she started sleeping around, my son was 6 months old when I had to leave him it destroyed me, within 3 months she dumped him on my doorstep and left the country.   best part of 3 months later she came back and demanded him back and got him back via the courts and I lost him all over again.   I love my son but hew is not the boy I would have raised only spending 3 days every two weeks with me isnt going to rub off much.   but he is a good kid and has done really well. I am pleased to say she is much more stable now having got help and medication sorted. 

I wish you all the best and to anyone that is feeling depressed lonely, of anxious with no where to turn, whist this isnt the Samaritans, if you have no where else to turn to then voice it here, we come together for the love of training and for some the use of AAS, but there are many on here who have had similar experiences.  

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1 hour ago, empzb said:

Sorry to hear what you guys have been through. Depression is a bitch. If you have some spare change there are 2 books I'd recommend that really helped me.

1  Don't sweat the small stuff- Richard Carlson

2 Unf**k yourself - DCA (kindleebook only)

It's not easy at times but working on mindset stuff has made a huge difference to me.

https://epdf.tips/queue/dont-sweat-the-small-stuff-and-its-all-small-stuff-dont-sweat-the-small-stuff-se.html

Download there for Richard Carlson's book if anyone wants to read it.

Peace x

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51 minutes ago, Mayzini said:

I wish you all the best and to anyone that is feeling depressed lonely, of anxious with no where to turn, whist this isnt the Samaritans, if you have no where else to turn to then voice it here, we come together for the love of training and for some the use of AAS, but there are many on here who have had similar experiences.  

Agreed, I've got time for any of you deviants on here.

One of the other boards has an 'Anonymous' section, might be an idea for the future for things like this. The constant piss takers on here (myself included) might not feel compelled to expose themselves emotionally, but might be more willing to post completely anonymously.

We might not come up with all the solutions, but just by getting s**t off your chest and letting someone else (literally ANYBODY) know how you feel usually helps enormously.

There is hope for humanity.

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depression is horrible yet so common and not spoken about enough. even people that seem happy can be dying inside no matter what money or family they have. had a mate was a doctor had money house was always out seemed so happy took his life left his parents a note saying sorry and he was unhappy in life. no reason why but i guess we all have voices in our head. stay strong bro and always ask for help dont suffer in silence 

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15 hours ago, EpicSquats said:

So I went through a stage of suicidal feelings and depression 10 years ago. It was pretty serious. I gave serious thought to hanging myself. It's easy to do. Well, it would be if I really wanted to do it. I'm not joking when I say I put a belt round my neck and started hanging myself from a door in my house. I started feeling it and couldn't go through with it. It was at that point that I thought, well if I can't go through with it because it isn't in my nature, I'll have to face the fact that I must live until i die of natural causes. So here I am over 10 years later. I do have times when I'm very down, but I also have some small plans for the future.

For depressive people, you can get thoughts which make it seem like there's no way out, everything's bad etc. you just have to try to block those thoughts out and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And something else that comforts me: at least I'm trying. Yes, I'm scared of failure, of not having the life I want, of getting very depressed again, but all I can do is try, and what's more I don't want to kill myself and leave my loved ones behind to deal with the death of their brother, cousin, friend, etc. It's selfish. If I killed myself it would be selfish, because I would be leaving life purely because it's easier than trying. I'm in work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but the alternative is worse. Sitting at home using up money fvcking my life up. Better to stay active, especially when you're the depressive type.  Thanks for reading, I hope anyone with depression or suicidal feelings can relate and maybe feels a bit better. I hope.

We love you Bro 

And so do most of the world :thumb

 

 

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One of my mates dads hung himself last year, was in his late 60s, successful business owner who had retired and had everything to live for, was a really nice and happy guy on the outside too.

Apparently he'd suffered from depression most of his life, you'd never have guessed it though.

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16 hours ago, Kayleigh8 said:

Putting one foot in front of the other is defo easier said than done when u get no support! 

I hope ur in a better place 

say it as though you are struggling to do that yourself?

 

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When I was at college doing my a-levels in my twenties thanks to getting ill in my late teens, mental illness was brought up in the class. Two things struck me,how many people had either been effected themselves or their families had. The second thing was ,how little the doctors understand about it. Like there was a lad in the class,his dad suddenly got struck down with depression. The depression was so bad he was bed ridden ,he was tried on all sorts of drugs,nothing worked. He go worse,was unable to eat so had to be tube fed. He wasn't deliberately starving himself,he just didn't have the energy to eat. The doctors in the end as a last resort juiced him with ECT. electric shock therapy. He got a load of sessions of it, by the sounds of it they completely fried his brain. ,there was little choice as he already had no real life to speak of.

Now after they finished, something clicked in his brain. He suddenly started to talk/get his energy back and started to eat. In six months he was back at work. He never had another bout of depression in his life . Now whats most irritating is, the doctors treating him didn't understand why ECT had such a dramatic effect on him, why all those drugs never worked. Some people who get ECT don't do so well on it. It's a bit shocking really {pardon the pun} that even today so little is understood about mental illness, what causes it, how best to treat it, when it is the cause of so much bother in society. Whether that be job loss, economic damage ,social problems, crime, loss of a loved one, relationship breakdown. Serious mental illness is a killer, suicide kills more young men than cancer does by  a country mile . A young man is more likely to die by suicide than perish in an accident even. Other people starve themselves to death, a minority will kill others because they are so floridly psychotic. In the past people like myself and possibly a few others here would have been warehoused in some asylum in the middle of no where and basically given up on. It seems to me,much money is being made on antidepressant and anti psychotic drugs ,but are peoples qualities of life better for that? I would say, celebrities, politicians, the people with the power to actually do something need to do less talking about mental illness and actually do something . 

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