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.....train hard or fcuk off!!!
Joined
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2,041 Posts
Bear goes into a pub and says "can i have a..................................................................................................................................................................................pint of beer please", Barman say "sure, but why the big pause?"
 

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Intus mihi vires
Joined
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6,019 Posts
not a one liner...but funny...

an attractive young woman walks up to the bar in a rural pub,

she signals for the barman to bring his face closer to hers

"are you the manager?" she asks,running her fingers through his hair

"no" he replies

"can you get him for me?" she asks stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth,so he can suck them gently

"no sorry" he replies,clearly aroused

"well can you give him a message?"

"theres no ****ING toilet roll"
 

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Getting HUGE!
Joined
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1,566 Posts
two hookers standing on a street corner, one of the hookers looks at the other one and says "gunna ba good night tonight can smell cok in the air!", the other hooker looks at her and says "Sorry i just burped!"
 

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Newbie Trainer
Joined
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22 Posts
hear about the new french tank? its got 13 gears, 12 that go in reverse and 1 that goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind!

2 terrorists are trying on clothes, 1 turns to the other and says does my bomb look big in this?

hear about the aussie who tried to iron his curtains? he fell out the window!

hear about the aussie that farted in the bath? he drowned trying to smell it!

wot do u call a guy with a car on his head? jack!

wot do u call a guy with a seagull on his head? cliff!

wot do u call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? eileen!
 

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Getting bored sh1tless....
Joined
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5,016 Posts
Three men on their honeymoon are talking, each one reckons he will make love to his wife the most that night.

They decide to let each other know the number of times by the amount of toast they order at breakfast the next morning, so the wives don't get suspicious.

The next morning, the first man orders 3 pieces of toast, the second man orders 4 pieces of toast, and looks pleased with himself until the third man say's in a loud voice;

''I WOULD LIKE 6 SLICES OF TOAST, AND MAKE 2 OF THEM BROWN PLEASE!''
 

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Looking Freaky
Joined
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546 Posts
I USED TO BE A NECRAPHILIAC ..........UNTIL SOME ROTTEN CVNT SPLIT ON ME.

I WENT INTO SEE MY BUTCHER THE OTHER DAY....I ASKED IF HE HAD PIGS EARS?,,,,

HE SAID NO ITS THE WAY MY HAIRS PARTED. SO I ASKED DO YOU HAVE PIGS TROTTERS? .......HE SAID NO ITS THE WAY MY SHOE LACES ARE TIED
 

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.....train hard or fcuk off!!!
Joined
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2,041 Posts
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Dug

Lady goes to the Doctor and says "i think i've got acute angina", Doctor says "your right, you have, your tits aint bad either!"

2 parrots sitting on a Perch, one says to the other, "can you smell fish?!"
 

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hmmm
Joined
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1,430 Posts
If all blondes are dumb how do they know if they have had fun..

Police toilet seat been stolen,,they have nothing to go on

Marriage is a 3 ring ceremony

first you have the engagment ring then the wedding ring which is followed by years of suffering

Parachute for sale,,only used once never opened but has small stain
 

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Minder
Joined
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1,060 Posts
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?

A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?

A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?

A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so

ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit

him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?

A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a

Flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?

A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?

A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?

A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?

A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?

A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?

A. Bigmac please.
 
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