True story and funny to boot - UK-Muscle Body Building Community

InSaNiTy · 19-03-2005, 06:36 PM

Note: Please take time to read this slowly expecially Tyson. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!*

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

______________________________

Chilli #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

______________________________

Chilli #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!

______________________________

Chilli #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge #1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge #3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

______________________________

Chilli #5 (Laura's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

______________________________

Chilli #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 (Frank) I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

______________________________

Chilli #7 (Sandra's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 (Frank) You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

______________________________

Chilli #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

Killerkeane · 19-03-2005, 06:39 PM

is that story actually true? lol. funny. Frank the chilli taster, got a ring to it .

InSaNiTy · 19-03-2005, 06:41 PM

Yep, it's true

Budweiser True...damn, thats poor

NikiE · 19-03-2005, 06:46 PM

Monkeyboy that was quality....well thats the stomach muscles worked out for today and all i had to do is laugh!! they are hurting now actually, will have to email that to my mum....

Killerkeane · 19-03-2005, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeyboy

Yep, it's true

Budweiser True...damn, thats poor

lol, wow.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

lol, wow. Poor Frank.

NikiE · 19-03-2005, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Killerkeane

lol, wow.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

lol, wow. Poor Frank.

See....and you thought you had problems!! Selfish, selfish, selfish!! LOL

samurai69 · 19-03-2005, 10:12 PM

ROFLMGMFAO

Killerkeane · 19-03-2005, 10:17 PM

lol, okay okay. i got it good.

ChefX · 19-03-2005, 10:38 PM

I've seen this before but it still hits home, I've had some blistering chillie's before and had the people serving it tell me that that was the childrens variety a it was mild!

I can relate. Those texans love that heat in their chili woo hoo. (not me!)

Killerkeane · 19-03-2005, 10:40 PM

i cant understand why they like it that hot. It doesnt taste of anything but fire?

InSaNiTy · 20-03-2005, 01:08 AM

No, you get used to the heat over time, it's like drugs, the more you try it, the more you need to take to get the effect. By the way, I ain't glorifying drugs before anyone starts having a go!

ChefX · 20-03-2005, 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeyboy

No, you get used to the heat over time, it's like drugs, the more you try it, the more you need to take to get the effect. By the way, I ain't glorifying drugs before anyone starts having a go!

funny you mention that about the endorpins eh? nothing like mother natures drugs.

DB · 20-03-2005, 11:36 AM

i think winger has posted that b4 but its still well funny

19-03-2005, 06:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
InSaNiTy Banned Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,835	True story and funny to boot Note: Please take time to read this slowly expecially Tyson. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!* For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli) Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge #3 (Frank) Holy **, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ______________________________ Chilli #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli) Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ______________________________ Chilli #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli) Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge #2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced from all of the beer! ______________________________ Chilli #4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge #1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge #3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? ______________________________ Chilli #5 (Laura's Legal Lip Remover) Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge #3 (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ______________________________ Chilli #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3 (Frank) I myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. ______________________________ Chilli #7 (Sandra's Screaming Sensation Chilli) Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 (Frank) You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ______________________________ Chilli #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)** Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

20-03-2005, 11:36 AM	#13 (permalink)
DB UK-Muscle Moderator Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: SW London Posts: 13,615	i think winger has posted that b4 but its still well funny __________________ www.bulksupplementsdirect.co.uk

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19-03-2005, 06:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
Killerkeane The Geezer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Somerset although im not proud lol. Posts: 2,978	is that story actually true? lol. funny. Frank the chilli taster, got a ring to it .

19-03-2005, 06:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
InSaNiTy Banned Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,835	Yep, it's true Budweiser True...damn, thats poor

19-03-2005, 06:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
NikiE UK-Muscle's Top Babe Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Ilfracombe! Posts: 1,524	Monkeyboy that was quality....well thats the stomach muscles worked out for today and all i had to do is laugh!! they are hurting now actually, will have to email that to my mum....

19-03-2005, 10:12 PM	#7 (permalink)
samurai69 Banned Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Mid Portugal - by the sea Posts: 3,075	ROFLMGMFAO

19-03-2005, 10:17 PM	#8 (permalink)
Killerkeane The Geezer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Somerset although im not proud lol. Posts: 2,978	lol, okay okay. i got it good.

19-03-2005, 10:38 PM	#9 (permalink)
ChefX Getting HUGE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: A Secret Laboratory outside of Washington DC Posts: 1,870	I've seen this before but it still hits home, I've had some blistering chillie's before and had the people serving it tell me that that was the childrens variety a it was mild! I can relate. Those texans love that heat in their chili woo hoo. (not me!)

19-03-2005, 10:40 PM	#10 (permalink)
Killerkeane The Geezer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Somerset although im not proud lol. Posts: 2,978	i cant understand why they like it that hot. It doesnt taste of anything but fire?

20-03-2005, 01:08 AM	#11 (permalink)
InSaNiTy Banned Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,835	No, you get used to the heat over time, it's like drugs, the more you try it, the more you need to take to get the effect. By the way, I ain't glorifying drugs before anyone starts having a go!