Insanity

Gotta say I didn't know this, it's actually true

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's spar5e surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Insanity

Why drugs are bad....

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit. The giraffe & elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.

"Lion", they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little ****er has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

hackskii

That first story was touching.
I liked it.

__________________
Power over others is weakness disguised as strength.

Scott

John

Hey guy,s of course it was touching , pleasing to read, generous, he was Scottish ,ha ha, my race are great ;) , god we were such great people coming up with penicillin, the telephone, the tar roads we drive on, great poetry ( robert burns), lol i wonder whats happend since?

Nice one insanity for posting that never heard it before but if its true, cheers for posting it!

Insanity

Yeah, it's true, I absolutely loved this joke...

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with, "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"

In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot, too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot screech, and she knew that things hadn't changed.

"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?" And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"

winger

First one is still the best, even if the guy was Scottish.

John

A guy phones his local indian take away for some some food and says" hi do you deliver?",
And the guy on the other end says " no we do lamb , chicken, and fish!"
lol i thought this was hilarious, if youve heard it sorry i just thought id let you hear it;)

hackskii

Yah John, It was a delayed reaction but I get it and do think it is short and funny.

__________________
Power over others is weakness disguised as strength.

Scott

Insanity

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor "I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin? He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"A pumpkin? **** me, is it midnight already?"

John

absoloutley brilliant man , superb mate.

John

A big dude walks into a toilet in a bar, starts doing a pee only to turn round and see this little guy standing next to him, this guy is tiny. The big guy looks down to see the little guy has a massive co*k, the little guy looks up and says what is it?, the big guy says that is impressive.
The little guy says its because im a leprechaun, and now that youve found me i can grant you one wish! The big guy says can you make mine the same size as yours?, and the little guy says yes but first you have to do one thing for me! Okay says the big guy name it, the little guy says you have to give me a b*ow job, so the big guy says ok, so he blows him off and then says , ok do it make it the same as yours.
The little guy says ok but just one more thing how old are you?
The big guy says 40years old why?
And the little guy says 40 and you still believe in leprechauns!

winger

Nice

hackskii

OOPS!
Good john.

__________________
Power over others is weakness disguised as strength.

Scott

Greyphantom

Great first story and awesome jokes...

Cheater2K

lol, abit of humor to the board :p