JawD

Apologies to our US friends here :love:



A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1 You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows hat you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British Sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK.. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

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Jock

v.funny but I've found Americans get a bit narked about this kind of thing, next thing you know they'll be wanting to nuke the UK!

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Pompey Tim

PMSL very good!

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GotWhey

I love John Cleese

cellaratt

Thank You ...I do find John Cleese to be very funny but besides him and Rowan Atkinson you should leave the real humor to us. When people slam the USA they often forget that compared to Europe and other parts of the world we are still a very young country. By the time our country reaches your age we will have no doubt occupied our turned most of the world into a glass parking lot to our own demise. I most certainly agree that proper English is completely ignored by most. P.S. I fockin hate round abouts. :love:

P.P.S. Take it easy on me guys it's hard to stick up for myself against so many of you but as exampled by the American Revolutionary War, I will try.

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The little men who live behind my eyes and scream directly at my brain told me to tell you hello.
The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance.
On the journey of life I choose the psychopath
If your not part of the solution than your part of the problem.
I'm like a Super Hero with no powers or motivation.

JawD

You think our roundabouts are bad? You should go to europe (yeah I know we're technically europe) where they drive around them backwards!

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cyberheater

Check out this roundabout in Swindon. Said to be the worst in Britain.



"Swindon has a lot of roundabouts, but nothing can properly prepare you for this. You are driving down Drove Road from Old Town, when you spot the sign on the left. That looks a bit strange you might think. Desperately you try to remember if this was in the Highway Code. But now you don't have much choice any longer, you have to drive through it. So you drive on..."

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"Do not pray for an easy workout, pray for the strength to endure a hard one"
March 10 '08 - 216lb | Target 200lb | Now 202lb | Delta -14Lb

Robsta

Sorry mate, but yanks don't even know what humour is....Can't even spell the word...

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Robsta

simeon69

how pointless when one big roundabout would do:crazy:

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PAIN IS TEMPORARY FAILURE LASTS FOREVER!!

cyberheater

You never know. It might have started as a single huge roundabout and they just got carried away.

Still. It's a work of pure genius.

__________________
"Do not pray for an easy workout, pray for the strength to endure a hard one"
March 10 '08 - 216lb | Target 200lb | Now 202lb | Delta -14Lb

Jock

[quote=cellaratt;397191]Thank You ...I do find John Cleese to be very funny but besides him and Rowan Atkinson you should leave the real humor to us. QUOTE]

Fair point, British humour is an aquired taste and not to everyone's liking, I find american humour is alot different.
When I watch things like Alan Partridge I'm rolling around with laughter and my missus looks at me like I've gone mad - she doesn't get it at all.

I love things like Family Guy, that show is hilarious.

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jonesy2411

holy s**t!!

cellaratt

Sorry Robsta but HUMOR is correct :that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous b: the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous c: something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing

So I guess that makes you pretty funny...

__________________
The little men who live behind my eyes and scream directly at my brain told me to tell you hello.
The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance.
On the journey of life I choose the psychopath
If your not part of the solution than your part of the problem.
I'm like a Super Hero with no powers or motivation.

SARGE

Do americans think that rowan atkinson is one of our finest comics no wonder they dont think were funny !!!!!!

Con

PMSL

America wont be around that much longer sooner or later the rest of the world will say enough is enough and level the whole country......i best have forwarning and be on a plane back to europe when that happens:beer1: