|
 |
|  |
07-05-2006, 12:34 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Harrow, London, England.
Posts: 729
  | Do you NEED love (be it romantic, familial or whatever)? I was thinking about this after a very good friend of mine asked me whether I "need to love and be loved". I replied that, strictly speaking, you don't NEED love - you won't die from a lack of it, although your life might seem like a long living death. Western society - especially US society - emphasises that you DO need love, the media harps on that it's the cornerstone of any true success, blah blah. The way I see it - it's only crucial when you're young. Once you're an adult it's GOOD to love and be loved - but it's not a must. To be frank - love seems like an addictive drug whose effects wear off either slowly or with a sudden crash. I personally don't feel like I love anyone - I just treat my family warmly and kindly, my young nephews and nieces with affection and generosity, but when I think of love, I think of 'clinginess'...I can take or leave their company, so how can that be love?? I prefer to be good to them, because being good feels good, but that's it. I'm not knocking love, but I think the way most people go about it is wrong. A lot of people confuse romantic love with infatuation, which of course leads to all sorts of hassle - shotgun marriages, divorces etc. A lot of people also have pretty unrealistic expectations of it, they get it into their heads that, "if s/he really loves me, then s/he will sacrifce X", without ever even raising the issue!!! Going back to what I said about western society, as brit of indian extraction I've seen both marital systems at work, the poorly named 'Arranged marriage' and 'love marriage' - like any marriage happens by accident or any most marriages aren't at least started with some love!!!- and there's a lot to be said about a 3rd/4th/5th parties considering the suitability of a partner with ruthlessly objective eyes. I don't want to get into a debate about the various merits and downsides of each system - not in this thread, anyway - but I DO want to point out that the Indian system, the Decision Committee is made up of six members, not just two, so at least you have that broader base of opinion. Anyway, I've yakked long enough - what do you all think??? KS |
|      |
|
07-05-2006, 01:33 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| My name is EARL  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
 | Well infants do not thrive without contact, and in all honesty, I think adults need full on body contact as well. I say this as this is related to that 'falling in love' or romantic love or biological wiring that occurs due to the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is released in massive quantities during labour, and elevated level in arousal in men and orgasm in women. This hormone system is integrated with the dopamine 'reward' sytem, and basically, people become addicted to the other, their children. STACKS of research has been performed around this, in fact, last week's New Scientist focused on this topic. Psychologists view this love as a type of 'madness', and it does wear off in 6 months to 3 years as the hormone receptors can no longer be upregulated and people no longer get their FIX. Of course other hormones kick in when people are together a long time, but this is if people WANT to stay together, as, I agree with Jay, that people think this primitive biological wiring that ensures humanity reproduces IS THE REAL THING. Sort of explains the divorce rate. The rise of romantic love as the basis for marriage. NOT real and true appreciation for a person x x x T |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 02:17 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| poon star  Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: sunderland
Posts: 1,310
| my son produces feelings in me that no other person has ever come close too i would kill for him and die for him this is not because i think its the way i should be feeling its totally natural for the first time in my life. I fathered him because i felt it was time i should im not a big family person in fact my family is about as disfunctional as it gets but he is truly the one real love of my life i want to eat him and become him he makes me feel..............i dont know how to describe it i want to wake him up in the night so i can play with him i cant lose my temper with him i'll post a pic so you can see why! |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 03:13 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Looking Freaky  Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 808
| cute kid daftjoe  my hair looks a bit like in the first pic after a rough training session As far as the rest of this thread goes its too damn deep for me on a Sunday afternoon. Now which folder did I put that link to that porno I found..... |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 07:57 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| strongest straight person on UKM (as everyone else is gay)  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 6,919
 | Quote:
| |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 08:50 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Classic Bodybuilder :)  | Cant really comment to this thread things being as they are in my life right now, but I would haveso much to add..... In a nutshell love is a thing which changes for everyone and its meaning also changes. You can love one person on ten ways, or ten people in the same way, IMHO you need to prove love and not just to the person applied but also prove it to yourself. Ironball where is that link - this is defo too deep when you have to work tomo 
__________________ single and ready to mingle! xx |
| |
|
07-05-2006, 09:09 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Newbie Trainer Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 52
| Love is like a box of chocolates Problem is it doesnt come with a map,so nobody knows what it is or how to find it,true love that is if it exists. I personnally dont really know what love is and so cant really define it.As a hunch if you are in a longterm relationship the feeling of love could be discribed as the familiararity you have towards your partner,you know everything about them inside and out and so when parted have that lost/longing feeling to be with them. This is different from the lust scenario you have with instant attraction which is a physical one and just a need to have the forbidden fruit which I think concerns males more that females,as females need more of an emotional bond,males are just like dogs running in a park,anytime any place  .Then if your married like myself with 3 kids the love/bond you have with them is different ie if a ship was sinking and it was the kids or the wife,ITS THE KIDS EVERYTIME on the basis that they havent had a chance to live their lives yet,least thats what I tell the wife:love: . Highlander |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 10:41 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| My name is EARL Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
| Quote:
Joking aside, I think society dictates more about women's sexual behaviour, that they are supposed to be 'good girls', not shag around. Peg and I have been discussing similar things in the Powder Room (of course putting in pics of naked men with every post as well). Women's sexuality has barely been researched, really only in the last 20-30 years. Seriously it is outrageous how little is known. For example, you would have thought with the number of cadavers that have been chopped up in the name of science, that it would have been recognised that women have as much erectile tissue as men, it is just that we get our 'stiffies' on the inside! Sexuality, love and intimacy, my favourite topics! x x x T | |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 10:55 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |||
| Getting HUGE!  Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
| Love is complex. If you are talking about eros love. We can live without it, though our society's multimillion dollar business based on eros would beg to differ. Our biological need for the feelings eros produces may be well difficult to control in their pleasure and the possible addiction to its drug like affect. If you are talking about marriage. Yes, you can live without it and don't need it. But I believe that within us within our spirit we do need and seek love in its highest and purest form. It is a constant that does not change in our ever changing world. It is like the North Star that the sailors fix on when navigating the seas. It is just a matter of seeing it for what it is. This then returns us to the fact that love is complex and yet there is simplicity in its complexity as well. "Perfect love casts out all fear." I think the journey of life is the working out of this thought in our lives. Quote:
Here you are talking about love in marriage. Well, the "love marriage" of Western society is actually a relatively new concept. It use to be that you had to get the approval of parents and family before you could marry. Use to be there were chaperones on the outings of a gentleman and a lady. Why do you suppose that has changed? Why is a broader base of opinion needed in a decision of such importance? Quote:
I will agree with you that most people go about it incorrectly. "if s/he really loves me, then s/he will sacrifice X," is totally incorrect. That statement is from self's point of view. True love in its most purest form is other oriented. The higher good of the other is thought of not the higher good of self. True love is the making sure that the other's self needs are met not making sure that your own self needs are met. There is a subtle important difference. True love is an act of the will and it subjegates the emotions to its control. Quote:
Love is not clinginess in my experience. That is the media's interpretation. That is perhaps society's skewed notion of what love is because of the greatness of "selfishness" in our narcissistic society. Love is an act of the will to chose to be with a person and affect that person's life. To be clingy implies a negative selfish obsession kind of dependence to me. True love is an interdependence, a preference of choice to affect the higher good of the other person's life while in your company. There is a dependence but it is one of trust and faith not obsession. There is the ability to take or leave the person at any given time. Each person fills the gaps complimenting and augmenting the needs of each other. Just because you do not "feel" love a certain way does not mean you do not love. There are many aspects of emotion to love. You feel good in the giving of yourself to them. This is a feeling of love. Love is goodness in our lives. Much like a song. Love must have intellect and emotion. The intellect being the lyric and the music being the emotion. The power of the love will be the message of the lyrics augmented by the rhythm, tempo, key, dynamics, and melody of the music. I will venture to say you have a commitment to the higher good of your relatives when they are in your company. This is love at its best. I will venture to say that if your nephews' and nieces' lives were threatened you would not hesitate to defend them. This is love at its best. You love your relatives. I will say you have limited yourself as to what love is in your life by thinking that there must be a certain feeling of "clingy" to it. Love does not cling and hold on to the object of love. It uplifts and exhorts and encourages the object to soar to its greatest potential. I say thatif you look deep enough, Keyser,you are loved very deeply by One you will meet at the end of your journey and that love is sufficient for you such that you feel you are not in need. I think our society has placed too much emphasis on the physical aspects of love and needs to return to the mind and spirit when talking about love to find its truest meaning and purpose of need in our lives. The balance is delicate and the physical is difficult to control and discipline. | |||
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 11:12 PM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| Getting HUGE! Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
| Quote:
I've never been addicted to my husband nor my 5 children. Would I kill anyone that threatened my family. You betcha I would have that inclination of protection like a mother bear. I've been married 30 years this December. Not all of it grand and glorious either, not by a long shot. What makes people want to stay together? How do you explain the divorce rate after the 3 year period when the wiring has worn off? A need for a FIX at 7, 15, 23 years of being together? More hormones... Why do we have a need for a FIX? Love is more than the biological. Way much more. Last edited by Peg; 07-05-2006 at 11:16 PM. | |
|
| |
|
07-05-2006, 11:25 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| My name is EARL Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
| Hey hun, I was only explaining the 'falling in love' or eros love as you call it. It is so much more, and you said it in your post. Like I knew you could! x x x T There is also some scientific explaination for the 7 year itch if I recall. I will post some more on the science of love as I finish reading this New Scientist. |
|
| |
Notices
