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15-05-2006, 05:35 AM
| #61 (permalink) | ||||
| Getting HUGE!  Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
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Retribution conjurs up thoughts of punishment to me which conjurs up fear. "Perfect love casts out fear." Quote:
I think that may be man's limitation on and corruption of what love is for his own selfishness. Let's not lose sight of Confucius' quote. "Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object?" Rewrite that for me using your definition of demand=accountability, please. Last edited by Peg; 15-05-2006 at 06:38 AM. | ||||
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15-05-2006, 08:31 AM
| #62 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Harrow, London, England.
Posts: 729
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Don't feel bad about WHO you sleep with - as just said, you're sowing your oats. Nothing wrong there, if you're worried about the quality of your lays, keep aiming higher until it improves. And lastly, don't spend more time in blame than you do in actual improvement!! Happy hunting mate, KS | |
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15-05-2006, 09:31 AM
| #63 (permalink) | |
| My name is EARL  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
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15-05-2006, 01:34 PM
| #64 (permalink) |
| the sparrow never lands were the tiger roams  Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: somewere in the pacific with a bikini clad destiny's child runin round
Posts: 680
 | here's a question for you peeps is it possible to be with someone you don't love and then love them when you break up?(i don't mean that you fall in love when your with them i mean you fall in love when your not with them) also seen as how it's a love thread is it possible to hate someone and how they are and still be that in love with them that you would do anything they asked? is it possible to love a member of your family more than an other? is it right if you love your pet(s) more than certain members of you family? if your in love with someone and you would do anything for them is it normal to want to change all the bad things that have happened to them? how far from love is hate -think about this one properly- if someone you don't know does something that offends/hurts/upsets you most people would just leave them alone but if someone you really love did the same things and you hated them as a result does that not mean that hate is dependant on love? |
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15-05-2006, 05:08 PM
| #65 (permalink) | ||
| Getting HUGE! Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
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What if the love is always taken but never returned? Should there not be feelings of love also? Is it a matter of just the will and commitment to that person... for better or worse? Why do I want to make a commitment to that person in the first place? What causes a person to not be accountable to his word? I see love as its own intity subjegating the person who chooses to love to love's standard in Confucius' quote. I see love subjegated to the person who loves in what you are saying. What is love's standard? Quote:
 Yes........I think we are saying the same thing just differently. Now that statement could be seen as "clingy" obsessive. It can be seen as a commitment to the other's higher good. It can bee seen as a promise of cherish that the one who loves would die a thousand horrible deaths before hurting the object of love. To hold a person's heart in my hand is a profound privilege and responsibility not to be taken lightly. I think in our lives we can all abuse that privilege and responsibility and end up hurting that heart in our hands deeply. Why is that? Do we squeeze the heart too tightly? Does the heart try to jump out of our hands? Do we take the heart for granted and bang it up against all the things we are doing for our own pleasure with our hands? It maybe that the whole dating scene is one obscene abuse of love and because of it we have become cynical and callous and even more self guarded and selfish. How can love flow from that state of mind and heart? What happens when that heart finds itself falling splat to a hard cold concrete floor because it was dropped out of the hands that promised to not let go? What is it that causes the hands to let go? Last edited by Peg; 15-05-2006 at 05:57 PM. | ||
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15-05-2006, 05:43 PM
| #66 (permalink) | ||||||
| Getting HUGE! Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
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Yes, I think a heart can love a person very deeply even so much that it hurts when you are not with them. Quote:
I think parents love this way all the time. I love my children but there are many times that I am angry at them and dislike the choices they make. I will still do things for them if they ask; however, it does depend on what they ask. Quote:
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The hate is generated from a selfish point of view of one's rights and what one deserves being somehow violated. That is not love at all. Love forgives. Love things of other first. Love does not hate. Hate is dependent on how selfish a person is. Last edited by Peg; 15-05-2006 at 05:47 PM. | ||||||
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15-05-2006, 09:43 PM
| #67 (permalink) |
| My name is EARL Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
| John Gottman and the Relationship Centre Psychologist John Gottman reveals what makes for long-term success and explodes a few myths about romantic love along the way Psychologist John Gottman reveals what makes for long-term success and explodes a few myths about romantic love along the way... Are the things that make us fall in love with someone good predictors of a successful long-term relationship? As far as I know they're not predictive of anything. So what are they there for? That original attraction is an evolutionary mechanism for selecting a mate, to maximise genetic variability to ensure the survival of the species. But arranged marriages are as stable as, sometimes more stable than, relationships selected on the basis of love. Romantic love doesn't seem to be necessary for a stable relationship, and there is some evidence that it clouds judgement. Does this imply that romantic love is a poor basis for a marriage? I would agree with that. In a long relationship, romance, sex and passion are pretty different to how they are in the initial stages of attraction. That is not to say that love and romance are dead. I think they are quite wonderful and they can be a basis for a relationship. part of the problem is that people don't know what to look for when they engage in courtship. What should they look for? The signs are really very simple. First of all, are you getting treated wiht love, affection and respect? Do you feel there is a basis in terms of nuturing, support and affection? Do you really like spending time with this person, so that the time sort of flows like wine? Is it easy to be together? Do you like yourself when you are with this person? As people get closer, the other thing to look for is the feeling that you can create a sense of shared purpose and meaning and values. I think that is enough to move forward and think in terms of a long-term relationship. How do you study relationships scientifically? Over the last 20 years, we have studied couples across the course of their relationships, from people who have just got maried or ingaged through to couples who are in their late 80s. We can ask if they're different to those other people who, thought they seemed fine to us, are now divorced. Over time we came to realise that there is just a small set of things that people do in relationships that work. Such as? We found we could predict, with greater that 90 per cent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship over the next three years by examining a couple's physiology and behaviour during a conversation they had about something they did not agree on, and by interviewing them about their past. For couples whose relationships lasted, the ratio of positive to negative statements during a conflict conversation was 5 to 1. For those in relationships that fell apart, the ratio was about 1 to 1. Can you really boil down the complexities of relationships into a few simple rules? I think there really is a science to this. The level of predicatability is so high. Of course the proof of the pudding with be in bieng able to create change in a relationship. Sex, romance and passion are not magic. They are really pretty simple. There is a recipe for creating them in long-term. relationships. There is a way of doing it. What is that recipe? The first thing is that sex, romance and passion are about taking in information and energy, as opposed to broadcasting them. So is its not about being sexy or being attractive, it is about being interested in your partner and being receptive and knowing them, and taking in something deep and fundamental about them. It is a moment-to-moment decision to obe interested, to be complimentary. Don't you believe in the magic of love? I think it is a lie. It means you don't have any responsibility for making a relationship work. You can be like Woody Allen and fall in love with your stepdaughter and say: "There's nothing I can do, I fell in love". People think that their pheromones should someohow create the feeling of love, or their pituitary gland will take over and create the right hormones. On the contrary, people have a lot of responsibility for love nad for emotional and sexual fidelity in a relationship. For example, I can go to the deli and see a beautiful woman there, and I can just get on with ordering my sandwich. Somebody else might think she was beautiful and then wonder what would happen if they told her that. They give themselves permission to cross a boundary, even though they're in a committed relationship. They think, what harm will it do? But the biochemistry of love can take over. In every close conversation you have, you secrete oxytocin, you create a bond. Are some people naturally good at relationships? Yes. I call them teh "masters of relationships". They have this habit of mind wehre they are looking for things to appreciate. They are looking for things to say 'thank you' about. At the other extreme, the "disasters of relationships" focus on their partner's mistakes. They are scanning for what their partner is doing wrong. What things stand out about bad relationships? We have found four things that are more corrosive than anything else--we call them the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Probably the most negative is contempt: direct insults, sarcasm, feeling that you're better than your partner. An air of superiority is, by itself, the best predictor of divorce. Criticism is another sign of a relationship going nowhere, as is defensiveness, such as if you respond to a complaint with righteous indignation or as if you are an innocent victim. if you behave this way, you don't take any responsibility for the problem. The final thing is stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal from the interaction. We can index that in the lab easily. Stonewallers don't give the usual non-verbal backchannels to the speaker. They look away or down and stop responding. Aren't these found in good relationships too? Criticism and defensiveness are found in all relationships. The difference is that a 'master of relationships' will notice that it is not going well and make a repair attempt. I studied what makes repair attempts work for a couple of years before realising that instead of looking at the person making it, I had to look at the person receiving it: what makes the difference is accepting your partner's attempt at repair. Can bad relationships be turned around? It's a natural thing for intimacy to deteriorate if you don't put energy into it. As life goes on, couples can ignore one another and stop courtship. They focus on children or their work. But you can learn what to do if the horsemen of the apocalypse start to attack. There is a scientific basis to this. We can learn from the 'masters of relationships' and we can stop problems from occurring. From New Scientist April 2006 John Gottman is a psychologist and director of the non-profit Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington. Ten Lessons to Transform you Marriage by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman and Joan Declaire is to be published next month by Crown. Last edited by Tatyana; 15-05-2006 at 10:03 PM. |
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16-05-2006, 01:40 AM
| #68 (permalink) |
| the sparrow never lands were the tiger roams Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: somewere in the pacific with a bikini clad destiny's child runin round
Posts: 680
| peg good reply the last point was exactly what i was saying it's like poeple wo are born into money don't really appreciate it as much as those who have to work hard to get it |
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16-05-2006, 05:36 AM
| #69 (permalink) | |
| UK-Muscle Male Animal  | Quote:
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16-05-2006, 06:10 PM
| #70 (permalink) | ||
| Getting HUGE! Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
| I heard a radio broadcast on www.family.org that was spotlighting a book called "Love Talk" by Drs. Parrott. They also talked about the 4 horsemen of communication. Communication is so vital in any relationship especially long term ones. It is so important to not close off the feelings level of communication. The 4 horsemen do that. It can be a difficult cycle to break. It starts with Criticism --- You statements are used instead of I statements. "You really are a stupid blonde." instead of "I am frustrated and angry that you do not have adequate ammunition to get us out of this war zone." Defensive response --- If you would have told me they had a platoon of militants I could have planned better. Contempt response to Defensive -- rolling of eyes and character assassination. "You are going to make us late to the Detente because of your irresponsibility!" Stonewalling response to Contempt -- nothing more is said or a resigned capitulation. "So??? What do you want me to do about it????(thought -- why bother, all he thinks about is himself... if he'd just.... what a mof ahole for not informing me sooner than he did!) Research has actually said that it is more often than not that the woman is more critical ( the birthplace of nags) and the man is more apt to stonewall (if I wait long enough or retreat to my computer, sports or tv, she'll stop nagging and go away -- birthplace of the lazy bum) The conflict is not addressed and resolved. Instead walled off feelings begin to fester and kill any future positive communication with their emotional coloring. Both partners have a responsibility to understand the conflict, address it and resolve it. Love seeks the higher good of the other person. The 4 horsemen are self-centeredness at its best. For a person to find happiness in a relationship, love must both be emotional and rational, simply because we are emotional, rational beings. Each person must put 100% into it the relationship for it to be successful. Quote:
Nice to see an 'expert' support my observation. Quote:
Is this perhaps why there are definite years of marriage that are more prone to infidelity than other years? Last edited by Peg; 16-05-2006 at 06:53 PM. | ||
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16-05-2006, 09:22 PM
| #71 (permalink) |
| My name is EARL Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On my bloody bike doing cardio
Posts: 3,477
| Synchronicity I was sent this today by a Shaman who is my coach for this community project thing I am going to do. Brace yourselves folks, you may end up being my target community! Cause :love: This just so fits with everything going on with me right now! x x x T BEING SINGLE The Art of Contentment. For most of us, being single will be more of a phase than a final destination. This is the best place to practice the art of contentment. Someday, I'm sure most of us will fall in love and get married. But the thing is, love will always be tested. Someone more handsome, beautiful, more charming, richer, funnier, sweeter would come along. If you have not practiced the art of contentment as a single person, chances are you would be tempted to want that and not cherish your chosen one. Practicing the Art of Contentment as a single person means that you take what life gives you, good or bad, you're willing to see it through. It means you don't walk away everytime things get tough because it builds in you patience, perseverance, understanding and a hundred different virtues that people in a hurry will never have. Being single means you would find how it feels to be alone thus, allowing you to cherish every moment you spend with your chosen one. The art of contentment means you wouldn't mind if life had to make you wait for so long to find the love of your life, because you know that the waiting would only make the finding much sweeter. Being single is a time of your life when you can get to know yourself better. You can pursue different interest and passions without having to ask another person's approval. It is a phase when you can keep focus on other things, discover your potentials and talents, and see yourself become more than what you expect to be. Allow yourself to surprise you. Stop wasting precious energy trying to figure out why you're still romantically unattached. It's all in the mind. Take the time to go see your friends, spend time with your family, do charity work and you will realize that you are not, and never for one moment, was alone. Try to get to know yourself first before you try to get to know other people. To be truly loved means to be known and accepted for who you are. How do you expect other people to know you and to love you, when you don't know who and what you really are? Sometimes the dilemmas we face are not between what is absolutely bad and absolutely good. Sometimes, it's between good and best. Treat this stage of your life as a phase to evaluate who is good for you and who is best for you. Sometimes, you won't hear music, or feel magic to know who's best for you. The heart just knows and it doesn't need any romantically charged scenario to decide on the matter. Trust in your heart, and trust that time will eventually lead you to, not to the perfect partner, but to the most suitable partner for you. Being single is a phase of life that we need to be thankful for, because being single means our hearts have yet to choose the best one for us. Take your time, the world will wait. Being married doesn't guarantee that it will make your life happy. It doesn't guarantee anything at all. Sometimes, it only brings two miserable people together only to make their life even more miserable. Without the right intention, the emotional maturity, financial security and of course, unwavering love, you're better off unattached. Living Life. Don't put your life on hold for Mr. and Mrs. Right, but don't let it waste away with Mr.or Mrs. Wrong. Life is about things that you do and happen to you everyday. It's not about the things that could have happened but never did, or things that you think would happen in the future. Live life now. Live it to the fullest and stop beating yourself up, trying to be perfect on a Saturday night date. Allow life to surprise you with it's most wonderful blessings |
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16-05-2006, 10:19 PM
| #72 (permalink) | |
| Getting HUGE! Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,467
| Good things to think about Tatyana, whether you are single or attached. I think it is so important to know yourself and have confidence in who you are. I think knowing yourself is a lifetime journey whether single or married. There are pros and cons to either lifestyle. I think it is interesting how so many things can control happiness in our lives. If we let go of the controls and jus be and enjoy what comes our way, I think life would be so much better. It was when I let go of finding mr right and was quite happy with being single and on my own that I found my mate. Things can change in a marriage, that is for sure... marriage does not quarantee happiness. Only your outlook on life and habits of the mind will quarantee happiness. Happiness is a choice. I especially like the last thought: Quote:
So what is this community project you have to do? I'd love to help if I can. Last edited by Peg; 16-05-2006 at 10:24 PM. | |
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16-05-2006, 10:50 PM
| #73 (permalink) | |
| strongest straight person on UKM (as everyone else is gay)  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: United Kingdom
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