Originally Posted by webby

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

They actually meant they slept like a baby who's just had 8 pints...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

To squeeze out the juice from the battery - just like when you squeeze the lime in your eye when doing the Tequilla stuntman

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

They need to pay for the directors lapdances

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Cos they don't want to sit on a star - the pointy bits might hurt their bum

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

So the person doesn't die before they can kill them... Its all about getting the satisfaction. Rolling Stones couldn't get any you know.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Like Cookie he is fair of face and unable to grow a man beard. Beards = strength.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Tossed revolvers are like kryptonite to him. Little known fact that.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Similar to the lethal injection thread (bot you didnt bother to think these questions through...) so they don't die before they die.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

The name person who gave the name dyclesxia.... diklicksea.... dyslexia! to those people who can't spell...

What is the speed of darkness?

The devils amphetamines...

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

Yes. At the very back of the car park ...

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Zero... But obviously only an idiot would say it would be twice as cold if it was zero... Unless he factored in a -10 wind chill, in which case he's clevererererer than you. Or I. I think?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Asking for help....

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Seven.

Do you cry under water?

I choose not to, its harder to wipe the tears away with a tissue - how about you?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

No one gave Samsomite $1billion for R&D....

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

They forgot to buy their own ones from argos I guess

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Mmmmm....?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

A woman. She also had the same idea when she saw a man. Technically both are tugged at rathed than squeezed...

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

The guy who'd got fed up of eating piggy poo poo

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Now corporal punishment has been banned - how else can you punish idiots?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I must have a special freezer. It has a light in both but only has beer in the fridge. :beer1:

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

They can see their watch but not their bum. Simple.

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

The same reason strippers are sexier than streakers

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

And so is Jade Goody - but she can drive...

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

I think they dream of being able to see....

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Testing... Like these questions are testing my patience...

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Butter.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Unlikely. Try a priest.

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Twinkle Twinkle sampled it but cut the vocal....

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?